More than just a livelihood
by 3.14159 26535 89793 23846 2643
Summary: Following on from Alicia's last day. Will she end up in a downward spiral or will Connie be able to save the career, and possibly even life of this most talented junior Doctor. Will feature most characters- mainly Connie, Zoe, Lily, and of course Alicia. (TRIGGER WARNING).


**Firstly, Casualty obviously belongs to the BBC, not me :(**

 **So, hi guys, I haven't written any Fanfiction for quite some time now, but I love Alicia's character so much that I have decided to write my version of what happened after her last day. I know its a long and rambling chapter, but I hope you'll give it a chance and maybe even enjoy it. In later chapters I was thinking of also looking at it from other characters POV's- especially Lily and Connie. it is quite dark in parts, and I'll add a trigger warning just in case, as there are some themes.I apologise in advance for any errors.**

Dr Alicia Munroe sat upon a seat of questionable cleanliness on the bus that was to follow her usual route home, having exited the ED department that she'd previously associated with so much hope and expectation , for the very last time. She was almost on auto-pilot as she was going through the process of composing and, thorough as ever- proofreading that fateful e-mail that detailed her reasons for no longer being able to fill her position, do the job she loved so very,very much.

Her hands trembled slightly as she typed out the final piece of the e-mail to the Clinical lead, Mrs Constance Beauchamp on her phone.

 _That being said, I hereby give notice of my resignation with immediate effect._

 _Yours sincerely._

 _Dr Alicia Munroe_

Send.

She had hesitated slightly , not knowing whether or not she should sign it Dr Alicia Munroe, or just Alicia Munroe- it would probably be more accurate in her opinion to sign it "general failure" but she decided to enjoy using her title just one more time, even though she was in no way deserving of it. She put her earphones in, and turned the volume up to full to try and distract herself from the nausea that was building in the pit of her stomach- but just as she was about to choose a song, her phone rang for what must have been the 5th time in as many minutes- it was Robyn this time.

Not feeling at all in the mood to talk to anybody, she purposefully removed her earphones, wrapped them tightly around her phone, turned the phone off and then pushed to the very bottom of her brightly coloured bag, where she saw her stethoscope and felt another stab of what could only be described as pure, emotional pain. Quickly zipping up her bag and putting it onto the floor by her feet, she physically grimaced in pain as she tried to put her conflicting thoughts to the back of her mind.

Although for fleeting moments during her tenure at Holby City ED she'd had moments of doubt, wondering if the job was really for her, or more she supposed if she was fit for the job- they were never something she had really, truly considered acting upon. Now here she was- quitting.

This was such a surreal situation for here to be in, she was filled with a feeling of almost disbelief- there was no way that she, Alicia Munroe was doing this. The high achieving young woman had, to date not failed at anything that she could think of. Now, here she was, failing at the one thing that she had ever genuinely wanted to achieve- as clichéd as it sounded, she had always thought of it as her vocation, her calling- her main purpose in this world. What all of her previous triumphs and successes had been in preparation for. If you looked at it from that point of view, she realised that she had therefore failed at everything by not achieved her main ambition. With her body still a cauldron in many ways , full of different emotions, some of which she didn't even recognise- whirling around inside her, she felt truly lost and alone.

She had always been a very logical, sensible person- and part of her thought that what she was feeling was normal, following what could only be described as the day from hell. However, her attempt to rationalise and comfort herself ended abruptly as the slight relief and giddiness that the had felt upon sending the e-mail began to wear off, and the realisation of just what this meant, just what she had done- began to hit her. She noticed her knees were trembling, and that her hands were shaking even worse than when she had typed out her resignation e-mail.

As the skies above opened and rain began to pour down, she watched the raindrops slide down the heavily condensated window of the bus, as she rested her head on the cool glass of the window- feeling the vibrations rattle her skull and enjoying the distraction. She welcomed the poor weather, at least in was in-keeping with her mood- if everybody was smiling and sunbathing, she probably would have felt very resentful and even more angry. 'How selfish is that?' She thought to herself- she was disgusted with herself on so many levels at this moment in time. She was a complete and utter failure, a waste of space- no wonder Mrs Beauchamp had wanted her "out of her sight", she wished she could keep out of everybody's sight, that way she would never let anyone down ever again.

The downside, was however, that being so distracted had meant that she had even managed to miss her stop- just another nail in the coffin that was actually very much the worst day of her life. It was only when she had heard a noise, a noise that reminded her so vividly of slamming the van door shut, whilst fearing for her life and that of her newly acquired patient earlier on in the day that snapped out of her emotionally charged, 'oblivious to everything going on around her' trance. She realised she was in fact 2 stops passed her intended destination, and people were exiting the bus at what she assumed must be the final stop, muttering expletives to herself, she pulled herself up using the handrail and got off of the bus without so much as a smile for anybody, a big surprise to the bus driver who had begun to look forward to her grateful smile over the few months previous.

"See you tomorrow duck" he said, watching his final, and to be honest favourite passenger exit the bus. Not getting so much as a brief glance in return. She couldn't deal with people right now, she knew she would just crumple into an emotional wreck if she had to talk to another human being, especially one being nice to her when she clearly didn't deserve it.

I doubt that , she thought to herself in response to his goodbye, whilst gaining her bearings and heading in the direction she assumed, well - hoped would eventually lead to her small flat.

She walked meaningfully through the pouring rain, just watching her feet- literally all she was concentrating on was putting one foot in front of the other, and keeping a lid on the many emotions whirling around her mind until she could be alone.

Eventually reaching her front door, she was relieved after a few moments of fumbling with the keys to find herself inside, slamming the door closed behind herself, she dropped her bag to the floor and walked straight into her small living room- launching herself onto her sofa, and screaming in sheer frustration into the sofa cushions for what felt like hours until her voice was hoarse and she didn't have any more energy, her shouts and screams descending into childish whimpers of frustration and despair . She felt slightly calmer having released her pent up emotions, which she had been saving up, in many respects from the very first time she had walked through the ED doors.

She, after a few more moments, started to regain her bearings- her face was pushed against the soft but worn brown material of one of her sofa cushions, and a combination of the tears (that were running down her cheeks as they had been for some time now unbeknownst to her), and friction created by the ageing material had resulted in her cheeks being left sore and chaffed. There was a strange aroma also, she realised, that appeared to be radiating from the sofa. She put it down to the fact that this sofa was a second hand (at least), it had been a gift that her parents had bought for her.

Her parents, the people who had always done everything they could for her, sacrificed so much purely so that she could have the life she wanted- so that she could become a Doctor. In moments of crisis and sadness usually she would be on the phone straight away to her Mum, if there was one thing she could say for sure was that she would make her feel better, make everything ok again. She had an urge to call her parents, but realised she couldn't do it - could not bare to let them down. She knew that in all likelihood that they wouldn't be angry, and that would make it even worse.

They would say all they wanted was for her to be happy, but she knew how much they had struggled- she had been sat at the top of the stairs while she was meant to be sleeping, listening to them talk about money worries and what they would have to do to keep paying for her extra tuition and new books for as long as she could remember.

She would never forget the joy in her Mum's voice when she told her she had been assigned to a hospital- that she was (pretty much) a Doctor now having passed her exams- the relief was clear to hear. She thought back to her first day , her Mum and Dad had told her how proud they were of her, how even though it had been hard to get her there,they were glad they had done what they had done. She couldn't bear to let them down like this.

For a split second she had a moment of realisation, of clarity that explained to a certain degree, she felt- her current predicament. She fully understood the pain that her tormentor, Lily had been feeling- feeling as though you had let your parents down was just excruciating- all she had done in her life had been to please them, make them proud and failing to do so felt like a dagger to the heart.

She tried to get Lily out of her head- she could just hear her hurtful words, and they hurt no less now than they had done when she had first said them. "What do you think you've been playing at?""What do you mean you don't know?""Do you realise Leo is up to theatre, because of you?""You stupid incompetent girl!""You failed to ask the adequate questions and now the boy pays the price for your incompetence!"She thought for a moment that she might be starting to forgive Lily, at first she had very much blamed Dr Chao for her own failure, but now she realised that Lily was at work in the ED department , working as a Doctor at that very moment in time- and what was it she, herself was doing? Maybe Lily had been right all along.

Alicia struggled not to feel inadequate and worthless, she knew should have been stronger- as she had said in her e-mail, she thought she could 'thrive off of the pressure'- but she guessed that she just wasn't up to the task, not like everybody else in the ED had been. She had always thought maybe, just maybe she could learn to be as skilled as Mrs Beauchamp but today she'd realised it just wasn't within her, she wasn't anywhere near as good as the Clinical lead she had so admired and desperately desired to be like, or even half as good as Dr Lily Chao, who despite her failings as a mentor is a 'gifted physician'. Alicia longed just to be a good Doctor, and she couldn't even achieve that.

She couldn't believe she had ever thought she was good enough, now not only had she let herself, her family and her colleagues down- she had absolutely no idea what she was going to do. She was certain that after her disastrous performance, that Mrs Beauchamp would surely see that she was blacklisted and banished from any meaningful medical profession- and it was all that she had ever wanted to do, all that she had ever even considered- there was no plan B, no other option. Her dream job was was over. She thought for a moment and realised that even if she had the chance to work as a Doctor again, she didn't think the had the confidence any more.

Shocked by her own feelings- she realised that she felt as if there was no point, no hope and so why was she even alive? She brushed those feeling to one side, she was overreacting- being a 'drama queen' as her Mum would say. However, she needed to take the edge off of these feelings, her rational side was telling her to get some sleep and she could make decisions tomorrow. It didn't take her long to realise that sleep was not going to be easy to come by.

It was only as she slowly dragged herself into her tiny kitchen that she had realised she was crying, well more like sobbing if she was honest ; the moment her face was vertical she felt the tears stream down her face, down her chin and neck- it was almost pleasant, the tickling sensation reminding her that she could still feel, she still existed, even if it wasn't in the life she so desperately wanted for herself. She then enjoyed the stinging of her red raw cheeks, as the salty tears were absorbing into the red raw skin- she felt as though she deserved the unpleasant feeling, and enjoyed the fact that it was distracting her from her emotions.

She opened the cupboard where she kept her now only 80% full 1 litre bottle of Smirnoff Vodka- and the very sight of it brought back happier memories- she had very much always been a social drinker, had seen alcohol as something to make her happier- a 'social lubricant' she had often joked. This bottle in particular was rather special to her, it was one that she had been given by her former flatmates from Uni- from their vast pre-loading alcohol collection that they divided amongst themselves as they had all gone their separate ways, to start their own career journeys.

It had been a surprisingly tough decision, who would get what- there was just about every type of alcohol imaginable in the collection, every colour, every taste. She had been gifted the plain Vodka, not only as Vodka and Red Bull was her favourite tipple, but because they felt that she could "pull it off"- with her bright colourful personality, her bright hair being able to make up for its tasteless, colourless qualities. Yes, they had indeed been slightly intoxicated at the time of this decision and reasoning being made, but the memory brought the slightest feeling of happiness into her mind. She liked that people considered her bright and bubbly, it was the aura she worked hard to convey, even though deep down she knew it was to try to mask her own insecurities and perceived character flaws.

"It would just depress me", one friend had said regarding the plain Vodka- and another had chipped in that he felt he couldn't quite pull it off, he would just be a boring person with a boring drink. She enjoyed reminiscing about the carefree, hopeful times for a brief moment, back in the day when her whole life was in front of her, ready to make what of it she could.

She thought for a moment of contacting her closest former flatmate, and best friend Jess but then realised that Jess was probably too busy working, being able to handle what she couldn't- being a Doctor. She came to ascertain that, not only was she concerned about bothering her friend, but also cripplingly jealous that in her mind, she was enjoying what she desperately craved. She was so embarrassed and disgusted with herself that she couldn't even tell her best friend what had happened.

She felt a surge of additional self hatred as she realised how petty and selfish her feelings were, but it was quietened down by the 5 consecutive swigs of the vodka she gulped down, coughing and spluttering slightly as she swallowed due to the huge, racking sobs that started to shake her body, accompanying the tears that had now been falling for some time. As she steadily made her way through her beverage of choice, she sat there on the sofa, in the dark as it was now, with absolutely no idea what to do next.

After what felt like days, but in reality was only around 2 hours, she sat there- trying not to think, still drinking straight from the glass bottle- getting angrier and angrier that the feelings were not subsiding as she had intended. Going for another therapeutic swig, she realised the bottle was empty. In frustration, she launched the bottle at the wall, although not as hard and in the direction she intended, as she was more intoxicated than she realised; it still hit the wall with sufficient force that it shattered into many pieces- much like her dreams she thought, almost finding the comparison funny, it was so tragic.

Sitting on her sofa, scrunched up into a ball as she did when upset as a child, in her what were now soaked clothes, by virtue of both the pouring rain she had walked home in and the countless tears she had shed, it was only a few moments before she let her pitch black surroundings consume her as she fell into a light and restless sleep, with the tears still falling down her soft cheeks, she truly was exhausted by the day's events.

As she drifted into a slightly deeper sleep- she just kept playing her day, over and over in her head. She could see the disappointed, angry faces of those she had desperately tried to please- and their comments were just on loop in her head. "What do you think you've been playing at?""What do you mean you don't know?""Do you realise Leo is up to theatre, because of you?""You stupid incompetent girl!""You failed to ask the adequate questions and now the boy pays the price for your incompetence!""What on earth were you doing that for?""I,I just don't understand.""What I can't fathom is why you put yourself in harm's way in the first place.""And this is after missing a potentially fatal bleed!""You leave me no choice, I have to launch a formal investigation into what happened today.""Get out of my sight!"

"Dr Munroe, forget about the exam"

Just as Alicia had replayed that last comment in her mind, trapped in what she hoped was a nightmare- the very same Clinical Lead who had said that most painful of statements was only just sitting down to read her e-mails after a long, stressful evening of meetings- and saw she had one from her most junior Doctor.

 **Thank you so much for reading, please review if you have a moment, it means a lot! Any advice is greatly a good day! :)**


End file.
